True Love

When I was a young child, I fantasized more about love than I did anything else. I pictured the ideal romance. Getting married to my one true love. My heart seemed to explode inside my chest at night as I would fantasize, picturing what it would be like for me one day... Then I realized I was gay.

Way to derail a dream huh??? (joke)

I don't see my dream as derailed NOW (obviously), but I certainly had some difficult times with the whole "love" thing. It's crazy to think and probably even more crazy for others to hear that I dreamed my true love would be with a woman. I really don't have any clue how to explain that so I won't even try, but the point I'm trying to get across is that it was a shock to me when I realized "something is different."

Self-hate was the very first thing I felt, sadly. I'm not the only person to experience that I'm sure. Coming to terms with myself was the first step and it was not easy even after "trying" to come out. Back into a shell of confused unhappiness I went. I knew the truth, but living it was another story for me. I tried to be what everyone else said was normal, but time and time again this proved not to be my niche.

I struggle with acceptance more than anything now; and how I will be able to lead a life that is normal for me (not normal for someone else). Through the years I have been made bitter by the course my life has taken. I went from big dreams of romance to something so polar opposite which was hating myself. That is no way at all to attract love.

I have clarity, though. I have finally learned to be comfortable with myself. This past year, I have really done a lot of growing. The past six months being the most dramatic. I came out to my family. I came out to my workplace (which is the military), and I've learned to accept that sometimes there will be haters. I have realized my place in this world and that I can still dream of awesome, romantic, love.

I believe he's out there and I'm ready more than ever in my life to know him.

My advice for anyone who is struggling with being gay, hating yourself, suffering from non-acceptance or discrimination, or whatever it is...... don't let it deprive you of love. Learn to love yourself, because if you don't love yourself who can? It starts with you and your attitude. Make it a positive and move forward because I definitely believe in true love. Hopefully you all do too.